Duality. Polarity. Sexuality. The Yin and the Yang. The inseparable energies of a whole. Always stepping back to see the big picture I could only spot the differences, but now living life close up makes those differences one again. I've finally come to the unveiling of the ancient knowledge of all life, the opposing forces both outside and within ourselves.
My fast and hard, all or nothing existence lent to youthful cheap thrills but these days life's tightrope only allows for cautious balance. The fall is hard. Harder still is the looking up from the pavement, scratching my head as to how to get back up again, I did that plenty. The atheist in me had the ebbs and flows of my life intellectualized down to chaos and chance. Two of such things I personally had no control over so figured I may as well go on in my usual manner and hope to find my feet again sometime.
Above all, I was never to talk about the two Me's that came and went, that fought when I wasn't looking, that were energy and emotion, intangible and imperfect. The shiny me I let everyone see, My Sun, can sure get things done. This one half is a proud and passionate, vibrant being, surging forward, determined to get what I want, flailing-unstoppable-abundant-charisma. When I'm good I'm GOOD but as the saying goes that is only the half of it. If my passionate self got caught in it's own hype and never went back to convene with the drawing board, I was a runaway teenager lost in the dark.
I broke bread with my Moon last year. We drank wine and stared each other in the eyes. I had always thought "Damn You Emotion, You hold me back!" but it saved me too, so many times. Miraculously intuition made it into my head some lost dark nights and planted a seed somewhere I never could trace and slipped out through the back door. It guided me as ungrateful as I was to it.
I knew my few strengths then and capitalized those, afraid to explore what I wasn't already good at, but that sure does minimize your options. Desperate and alone in chaos and chance, intuition knocked again this time and instead of "about time" I said "THANK YOU". I wondered where it came from, I curiously quizzed it, and it didn't say a word. I didn't know how to listen. I grew curious and unrelentingly, disregarding all my rationalization, I followed it into the darkness, not scared anymore because I'd seen the worst and instead of speaking, it showed me. Finally the I explored the labrynth of my emotional underbelly I'd been ignoring for so long, too weak to look at. I breathed in this cave.
Exploring here I found weakness's too that were really far stronger than any of my strengths. A passivity, my caring, my vulnerability. I came to love my enemies, my emotions and in turn, my self. My strengths are still there as always pushing forward the way, to take use of and to enjoy, but it's my struggles now I relish pursuing. To know my underneath, so long neglected is now everyday an exciting discovery.
I am still swaying on a tightrope, this is the only constant, but to know all of myself now lets me trust enough to feel my way through when I can't see. I'm not so balanced, naturally I'm rather clumsy, and I'm far from whole but I am a lot closer to the center and I'm enjoying the adventure.